The Art of Wooing
by MYZ-chan
Summary: -KimbleeEnvy- There is a fine line between attempting to woo your true love and attempting to stalk your true love. Unfortunately, it's very apparent that Kimblee does not know the difference between the two. -manga!verse, semi-AU-


Word count: 2,180

This one...was very unexpected. I don't even remember how this came to be, though I do remember a mental image of Kimblee and Envy holding hands under a fireworks display. Let's just go with that.

This one is also very different. It's semi-AU (meaning that Kimblee is, sadly, not as much of a maniac as he was in the original manga). It involves insanity and crazy pick-up lines (I've never made pick-up lines before, I don't think). And it involves some (if not a lot) of OOC-ness.

I wish for some advice, please, though I don't wish for people to come out and attack me for this pairing or anything else. No. Absolutely not. They will not be tolerated here. Nice advice, please. Otherwise than that, don't flame me, alright?

And I know that this is a boy/boy pairing, but hey, I like it, so I'll write it. So there. Hah.

ANY FLAMES ABOUT CHARACTERS/PAIRINGS/FANDOM ARE NOT TOLERATED HERE. GO EXPRESS YOUR ANGER ELSEWHERE.

Try to enjoy!

* * *

"Envy!"

Lust sighed and snapped her book shut. "Is he there again?"

Envy growled. "Yeah."

She peered out of their hotel room window. On the sidewalk, there was a thin, dark-haired young man wearing nothing but a white undershirt and a pair of jeans with the most hopeful grin Lust had seen in a long time. _I pity you_, she thought. "When is your stalker going to let up?"

Envy groaned and flipped onto his side, where he began to count the number of cracks in the opposite wall. "I don't know. Can you seduce him and make him go away?"

Lust reached over and hit him on the head with her book for even suggesting such a thing. "No. I'm not a whore."

"Well, you sure seem like one," Envy muttered, rubbing the swelling lump.

Avoiding another hit from his sibling, he turned back onto his back and sat up. Crossing over to the window, he pushed it open and hollered, "What? What do you want this time?"

The young man grinned at the response, and the usually dark golden eyes brightened just a bit. "Do you want to go see the fireworks display with me?"

Envy resisted the urge to pull his hair out and scream to the heavens along with a couple other poor bound souls in his body. "No! God damn it, no, Kimblee! Go back to your base or something!"

He was about to slam the window shut again when Kimblee hollered again, "But I'm on break for the rest of the week! I thought we could do something together!"

"What do you mean, we?" Envy screeched. "Go home, Kimblee!"

Then he slammed the window shut again and stormed into the bathroom, where his two siblings could soon hear him screaming curses and throwing bathroom items around inside.

Gluttony looked puzzled and, strangely, slightly worried. "What's wrong with Envy, Lust?" he asked.

Lust smirked, patted Gluttony's head, and reopened her book. "Nothing. He's just being an oblivious idiot."

* * *

Envy picked up the phone after the third ring. "Hello?"

"Call for you, sir."

"Hey, Envy. So, do you want to go to the—"

Envy slammed the phone down and glared at it, daring it to ring again.

It did. Five minutes later.

"Call for you, sir." The clerk's voice was seemingly bored, but Envy could sense the annoyance hidden thickly under the layers.

_Well, fuck you too_, he thought nastily.

"Hey, Envy. I'm still wondering, do you want to go to—"

"No," he spoke loudly into the phone. "No, I don't. And don't call back." Then he slammed the phone shut and stormed out of the hotel room. Hopefully, Kimblee wouldn't be able to find him like this.

He really shouldn't have underestimated the army major, because only half an hour later, Envy was racing back into the hotel room and locking all of the doors and the windows while Lust, still slightly sleepy, could hear her brother muttering something about _crazy, psycho freaks _and _stupid explosion-obsessed maniac_.

* * *

Envy stared at the pile of telegrams on the hotel desk in an apocalyptic fury.

The clerk at the desk was aiming a raised eyebrow at him, obviously not amused. "I assume these are yours?"

"Yeah," Envy gritted out through his teeth. "Yeah, they are." Grabbing them all between his arms and ignoring the ones that fluttered to the floor (he really didn't want to know what was typed there, though he could see some inklings of cheesy pickup lines), he stormed back up the stairs to the hotel room, where he then kicked open the door and dumped them all in the trash.

Lust restrained a snicker. "Now, now, Envy, be reasonable. These notes are from your lover—"

"Kimblee is not my lover! He is an annoying menace that is trying to annoy me to death!" he shrieked. In his head, Envy did realize that he sounded like a teenage human girl, but also in his head, he realized that he really didn't care (besides, he already had a few hundred or so teenage girls in his body. It was only natural that he acted a bit like them).

"As I was saying, you should read them. Get a good laugh out of them, you know?"

Envy glared. "I doubt I can."

"Try."

He scowled at her before picking up the first one.

"Dear Envy," he read aloud, "You are the bomb in my life. Why don't we go meet somewhere and make an explosion? Love, Kimblee." He stared at it for a few moments before tossing it into the trash. "So far, Lust, I'm not laughing."

Lust was giggling into the back of her hand. "But I am. Go on, read the next one."

Envy faintly felt the old human sensation of bile in his throat before picking up the next one on top of the pile.

"Envy, you're the one explosion that stands out from the rest. Light up my life. Love, Kimblee." Envy had to suck in multiple gulps of air before reading on. "P.S. I have front row seats to the explosions this Saturday. Please come." Envy stared. "'Please come?' No way, annoying twit."

"Hey, at least he used the magic word," Lust snickered, clutching her sides from the effort of keeping the laughter inside.

Flipping through the rest of the notes, he said, "Every single one of these is about explosions."

Lust, still snickering, said, "Well, he is the Red Lotus Alchemist. He's pretty much obsessed with explosives and things like that."

"…You're gloating over my pain, aren't you?"

Lust laughed. "It's not that bad, Envy. Frankly, we all expected some unfortunate human man to hit on you one day. We just didn't expect it to happen with the Crimson Alchemist. But yes, I am gloating."

Dodging a swipe from her brother's hand, she turned away and, still laughing, let herself out the door with Gluttony at her heels.

Envy growled and sullenly stared at the door. He willed it to burst into flames. "Bitch."

There came a rapping at the window, and Envy turned suspiciously before screaming bloody murder and racing towards the corner of the wall, where he then pressed his entire body against in an attempt to get away from the menace in front of him.

Solf J. Kimblee grinned at him cheekily from the windowsill. "Hi."

"You—" Envy spluttered. "You—what—who—how—you—"

Kimblee laughed and held up his (slightly smoking) tattooed palms. From the corner of his eye, Envy could see the windowpane slowly start to burn away from the miniature fire on the side. "I let myself in. Hope you don't mind."

"Don't mind—of course I mind, you idiot stalker!" Envy shrieked, pointing a trembling finger at the dark-haired man. "As of now, you are the bane of my existence! You are the darkest lowlight of my life! You are—"

"Does this mean you'll go with me?"

"No!" Envy shrieked again, his finger trembling more than ever as it struggled to remain there without shooting out and spearing this man through the head. "No, it does not! Now go home! I'm not a girl! I'm not even human, you stupid insect! Hell, I'm not even really alive! Or is that why you keep trying to annoy me?"

Kimblee actually looked slightly hurt. "No, it is not. And I'm not trying to annoy you! I'm trying to woo you."

Envy stared, momentarily speechless. "W—w—w—"

"Woo," Kimblee said, oddly patient. "As in, I'm trying to make you fall in love with me. No matter if you're a guy or not."

Envy stared harder at the dark-haired enigma. Kimblee stared back, hopeful smile still there.

After a few moments of silence, Envy finally spoke very, very flatly. "Get out of my window."

And then he pushed.

* * *

"You know, Envy, you're going to have to do a lot of making up for pushing the poor man out of the window."

Envy pouted and looked out of said window. He crossed his legs. "So? It was only a few meters. It didn't kill him or anything."

"No, it didn't," Lust admitted reluctantly. "But it did manage to break his arm and sprain his ankle. Not to mention all of the bruises, the cuts, the concussion—"

"I get it," Envy snapped. "So?"

"So, go visit him in the hospital or something. The man's only human. He needs company."

Envy's core almost jumped right out of his dead chest. "You're kidding, right? You've got to be kidding, Lust."

She glared sternly at him while Gluttony chewed on the side of the table. "I'm not kidding, Envy. It's your fault that he got those injuries in the first place. Now you have to go and at least say sorry."

"But homunculi never say sorry!" Envy gasped in horror. "I've never said sorry before in my life!"

Lust raised an eyebrow. "Neither have I. But I'm still your sister, and as your sister I'm telling you to go and start apologizing to Solf J. Kimblee now."

Envy glared and began to sulk.

* * *

Kimblee's golden eyes brightened as Envy snuck in through the window, changing his form back from a bird. "Hi!" he said, rather chirpily. Envy winced and chalked it up to the concussion (which was made rather apparent by the bandages wrapped around the man's head). "You came to see me! I can't believe it!"

"Neither can I," Envy grumbled under his breath before clambering in fully, shaking his leg away from any offending branches. "So, uh, how're you doing?"

"I'm doing fine. Just peachy. I've got a bit of a headache though, but it's not that bad." Kimblee beamed. Envy briefly mused to himself at how handsome this man actually looked before snapping out of the horrifying thoughts going around inside his head. "And how are you?"

Envy again chalked up Kimblee's horrifying perkiness to the concussion before continuing. "Fine, I guess. And, uh, I came here to say something."

Kimblee blinked. "Oh. Okay." He put his good hand in his lap and looked at Envy expectantly. "Continue."

Envy took a deep breath. "Well, I came here to say that I'm so—" His words started to clog in his throat. "I want to say that I'm so—" God damn it, he couldn't do this. "It's just that I'm so—"

"You're sorry," Kimblee finished for him.

"Yeah. That."

Envy rubbed the back of his head in faint embarrassment. He could actually feel the old sensation of heat rising to his cheeks. Weird. "It's just that I never really understood why you suddenly became obsessed with me after I bumped into you at that place, and it was kind of…weird to me. So, no hard feelings?"

Kimblee laughed. Envy realized that it was actually sort of a nice sound, once you got over the fact that it belonged to your concussion-ailed stalker. "No. No hard feelings."

"Really? Even though I pushed you out of a window?"

"Really. I hold grudges against people who I fail to kill, not people that try to kill me."

"Interesting." Indeed, it was.

Kimblee smiled at Envy. "So, you still up for that fireworks display this Saturday?"

This time Envy laughed, and for once, it was for a good reason. "I think I should be asking you that. How're you even going to get out of bed?"

The man grinned. "Being a major has its advantages. You'll see."

* * *

Later that week, sitting in the grass and watching the fireworks explode before his eyes, Envy felt a second presence settle down beside him. As the light brightened and the wind whistled, he saw the flash of white bandages against black hair and the sight of crutches lying down on the ground.

"So, how'd you get here?" he asked, watching the fireworks burst in color and sprinkle into oblivion.

"Oh, you know. I told the people at the hospital I was going to go meet someone very important, and if they let me go, I wouldn't blow them through the roof. So of course I got here, even though I'm a little late."

Envy laughed. "You're not so bad after all, Kimblee."

"Thank you, thank you. I suppose I have been upgraded from 'bane of your existence' to a slight casualty on your part?"

The homunculus smirked before twisting around and looking back up at the sky. "I guess."

"And I also suppose that I have successfully wooed you?"

Envy smirked, and allowed Kimblee's hand to put itself on top of his own. "Maybe. Just maybe."


End file.
